Yesterday in my post I mentioned that I've been struggling spiritually with our struggle to get pregnant. It has been very hard on me. I keep wondering if maybe God is telling me that I need to be a better parent to the children I have before we will be blessed again. Then I tell myself that I'm working hard to better my mothering skills everyday and it is a struggle, but I don't think I'm struggling than any other mother that I know.
The thing is, thinking about it so much is really hurting me. The more I wonder "why" the more I hurt. It's hard to let that go, to not think about it, but I know that I need to. This month I'm taking a different strategy. Every time my mind wanders to all those things that have to come together for a baby to be conceived, I'm saying an Our Father. I knew that I wanted to say a prayer when I was struggling, but in all honesty I would not have thought about the Our Father. Often when someone asks for prayers for an intention, I will throw up a Hail Mary right in that moment so that I don't forget later to say a specific prayer; so when I was telling Jason about my plan to say a prayer I thought I'd say Hail Mary instead of Our Fatherly. But, for some reason it struck me that the Our Father was the perfect prayer to say in this instance.
I'm going to break down parts of the Our Father, and why I think it applies to what I'm going through right now. I've heard homilies, and read posts about breaking down the Our Father before, and they are much deeper than I think I will be able to be. But, this is coming from my heart, and it applies to me.
Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name
I need to call out to God as my Father. His love is greater for me than any love I've experienced, and I need to remember that.
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done
Ahem... I'd say that this is my biggest struggle. I constantly pray for the Lord's will, but oftentimes what I mean is "please let Your will be the same as mine". He is the creator, and He knows better than I do.
On earth as it is in Heaven
We are here to know and love God so that we can be with Him. His will is that we come to Him; that doesn't change because we are down here for this short time.
Give us this day our daily bread
We are asking for what we need to get through this day. And He gives it to us. We receive the graces we need to get through the struggles, the moments of this day. Right now we're dealing with Christopher and his needs; him being nonverbal is a real struggle in the house and I am constantly asking for the grace to get through this struggle. Maybe asking for more children is more than our daily bread. Maybe right now a family of four is important because a baby is demanding of attention that Christopher needs. I don't know, but I DO know that God will give me my daily bread. He gives me what I need. Every day.
And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.
I mentioned yesterday that I had an amazing experience at confession this weekend. Really that's an understatement; every single time I go to confession it is an amazing experience. Receiving God's forgiveness is a blessing that has no comparison.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil
It is always a temptation to think that I know better than God. That my plans are what is important and God should be giving me what I want. And when it doesn't happen, it's easy to be tempted that God is punishing me. For the record, on a logical level, I know that isn't true; but in an emotional moment it is hard to remember that.
To me that's it, saying Amen is giving it to God.
I don't know why I felt like I should put this in writing. Maybe just to have a place to remind myself; somewhere that I could come back to and look at what I am doing and why. Not getting pregnant when you want to grow your family is a struggle, I know that people have much harder struggles than I do and I know that we are blessed. Really, I am so blessed to have an amazing husband and two wonderful, happy boys.